So That Happened

My Friend Is Still Clueless

For those of you playing the 'Catherine's Friend is an Asshole' home game, here's an update.  My friend finally responded to me (via Facebook, mind you) yesterday with the most casual and flippant apology, saying that he had dates mixed up and that he can't wait to see me later this week.  No 'I'm really sorry I ditched you like that,' but rather a 'We waited for hours for the Killers - the wait was worth it,' which, really?  Is THAT how you apologize to me?  By telling me you had a great time?  Am I supposed to be happy for you?

Anyway.

I promptly wrote him a note saying that because I had made plans with him for Monday night, I was all booked up for the rest of the week.  I also said that I didn't really want to see him anyway because I was really mad about being treated so poorly.  So far?  No response.  Because he Just. Doesn't. Get It.

My Life? IS COMPLETE.

Why?  Because there are now monkey waiters in Japan.  JAPANESE MONKEY WAITERS, everybody.  Come on!  I haven't been this excited about a clip since I saw the one of the monkey washing a cat.

In other news, I received my Blackberry Storm yesterday and it is spiffy.  Of course, I have only figured out like .05% of what it can do, but I did set my ringtone so there you go.  In case you were wondering, my ringtone of choice is a gong.  "GOOOOONNNNG."  Heh.  

In other other news, I have a good college friend who does not live near me.  He informed me a few weeks ago that he would be coming to L.A. to visit and asked if we could get together for sushi.  Of course!, I say, because I haven't seen him in years.  Fast forward to yesterday afternoon when I received a post on my Facebook wall from the friend saying that he's scratching our sushi plans so he could go to a TV show taping with a mutual friend.  No apologies, nothing.  I KNOW.  

I was (and as of this writing, still am) pretty pissed, because 1) friends don't do that to friends, 2) he couldn't even call me to tell me this, he had to advise me through FB, 3) it's totally rude and inconsiderate to break plans like that at the last minute because something else better came up, and 4) I made sure my night was free because HE ASKED ME TO IN THE FIRST PLACE.  Not only that, I am also friends with the person he chose to spend his evening with, and I wasn't even asked if I wanted to join them.  I wouldn't have wanted to go anyway, but the offer should have at least been extended as a courtesy, no?  SO RUDE.

Dear Celebrities,

I'm looking at YOU, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz? Really?! REALLY??!!

Jesus H. Christ tap dancing on a cracker, y'all.  

P.S. Glad you and the baby are healthy, A, considering you've been carrying like a pachyderm.  Seriously.  When did you get pregnant?  2006?

P.P.S. People.  If you're going to name your kid after a borough, sorry, but my personal favorites did it best.

P.P.P.S. And now I've totally lost the Name the Simpson-Wentz Baby Pool.  My guess?  Dakota Jack Skellington Wentz.

Sweep the Leg, Johnny!

No, seriously, sweep Will Smith's leg, Chris Murphy's leg, Jerry Weintraub's leg, and even Jaden Smith's leg (I don't care if he's only ten years old), because I do NOT agree with the idea of remaking The Karate Kid as a vehicle for Jaden.  Just STOP IT.  STOP IT WITH THE REMAKES, HOLLYWOOD.  And stop encouraging Jaden, who works my last freaking nerve.  (I admit I cannot STAND Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, and their entire clan, so I may be a little biased.)

GRR.  RAAAAAAAGE.

I Hate People, Part Eleventy Million and Three

Or, This Is Why People Have Twitter (Which I Don't, In Case You Were Wondering):

Location: The doctor's office
When: Yesterday
The Players: A woman in the waiting room and me.

The TV is tuned into Regis & Kelly, but instead of Regis there is a guest co-host.

Woman: Is that Joe the Plumber?
Me: No, it's Michael Chiklis (or, as it sounded in my head, IT'S MICHAEL FUCKING CHIKLIS OH MY GOD WOMAN I HATE YOU).
Woman: (laughs) Oh!  They look so much alike.
Me (in my head): DIE!

Philip Junker is a Big Douche

From today's The Ethicist in the New York Times Magazine:

My family and I arrived at Disney World to find a crowd awaiting entry. I casually mentioned that it was a shame that one of the signature rides was down for maintenance. In fact, it was functioning, but those around me overheard my remark and began to repeat it. When the park opened, my son and I made a beeline for the ride and were able to enjoy it twice without a wait. Was my comment unethical? — PHILIP JUNKER, LITTLE ROCK, ARK.

All’s fair in love and Disney World? That is a tempting notion, but one to be rejected. If you had genuinely believed that the ride was out of order, your rumor-mongering would have been inept but not unethical. But to deliberately deceive everyone within earshot for your own advantage is, as I suspect you know, discreditable. In ethics, intent counts.

Had you engaged in this puny fraud after going on that ride, I would assume you were suffering from some sort of moral dizziness, but given the order of events, you’re merely a liar. And a cheat. A cheatin’ liar. A lyin’ cheater. Which sounds more euphonious to you? Either way, a fine title for a country-western song.

========

Okay.  So the people who blindly believed him are stupid and should have verified for themselves as to whether this ride was open or not.  I get it, BUT STILL.  He is a big douche for starting that rumor in the first place.  Hmph.  Asshat.

Well, That Sucked

Raise your hand if you watched the MTV VMAs yesterday.  Yeah, me too, even though I swore I wouldn't.  I changed my mind at the last minute and watched the damned thing figuring the network had to do something awesome for its twenty-fifth ceremony.  Boy, was I wrong.  I ended up keeping it on mute for 90% of the time, only turning the volume back on for Christina Aguilera's performance (where can I get that "Genie in a Bottle" remix, by the way?)  

I could go on and on about how much the VMAs blew, but I'll let the following picture serve as an example of the show's overall awfulness.  For context, this picture is of a set of answers to some lame question posted onscreen during one of the commercial breaks:

AHEM.

MTV Graphics Person?  If you have any - ANY - doubts as to how to spell someone's name, GOOGLE THAT SHIT.  Even if you type in the wrong spelling, Google will give you the correct one.  Whither the proofreading?!  How did these errors get past anybody?  I mean, really.  It's NOT HARD. 

GAH.

Dear Cancer,

SUCK IT.

This week you took the mother of my dear friend, a woman who dealt with your pancreatic ilk for TWO YEARS.  A woman who will not witness the birth of her first grandchild (a girl due in October).  A woman who was kind, smart, funny, open, and had just about the most amazing relationship with her daughter I have ever seen.  

You are also the most unwelcome tenant of my friend, Frank, a man who has, with his partner, adopted the most beautiful baby boy in all the world.  This is a family that has been a long time in the making, and Frank (along with everyone else) will make damn sure you don't get in their way.

I'm done.  For now.  But just know that you are ON NOTICE.

Commercials That Annoy Me

I've been really busy lately and haven't watched as much TV as I normally do (shocking!), but even in my limited TV-watching I've come across some ads that set my teeth on edge.  Here are just a few:

• The Cadillac Escalade "Cupholders" commercial featuring Sofia Vergara.  I've read some reviews in which people complained about her accent; that isn't what bothers me.  What gets under my skin is her fake driving: she's "steering" the vehicle as if she is on the Bumpiest Road Ever and has next to no control over her GIANT SUV.  Yeah, that's the person I want behind the wheel of a massive vehicle.  Way to sell it.  Has she ever driven a car before?  No one drives like that on a regular basis.  I know she's not known for being the greatest thespian, but come ON.  Someone should have told her to make it look like she was driving in a straight line and not on Autopia at Disneyland.
• The Nutrisystem "Pretty" commercial featuring Jillian Reynolds.  I want to shoot the writer who thought of the words "I'm not your average gal - I love sports.  Football!  How many girls can do that?"  SHUT UP.  What?  There are woman who like sports?!  INCONCEIVABLE!  Excuse me while I clutch my pearls.  I have girlfriends who live and breathe sports: it's not a foreign concept.  I'd also like to know how many takes were shot for the one of Jillian actually catching the ball since she is totally not the sporty type.  Also?  I hate Nutrisystem's (and any other weight loss program's) before and after shots: in her "before" she's wearing her maternity dress even though she's already given birth and is in flip-flops and under bad lighting, but in her "after" she's got the bikini and heels on with makeup and good lighting.  Whatever, Big Fat Lying Company.  Finally, I hate that the website promoted in the ad (which you don't see in the Youtube clip) is actually www.nutrisystem.com/pretty.  PRETTY.  Really?  My God.  Shut up, commercial.

Okay, so this isn't a long list.  What about you?  Which commercials make you want to punch someone?

Shut Up, Flickr

The message I received when I logged onto my account this morning:

O HAI my username!

Now you know how to greet people in Lolspeak!

BAH.