"Wind Me Up" is a horrible song. HORRIBLE.
"The Lonely Goatherd" is my favorite song from The Sound of Music, and you have ruined it. You have taken the Song That Was Uncool To Like and morphed it into some aural nightmare you call a record and, thus, turned it into something gullible kids will actually like, and not because of its general awesomeness, but just because it is associated with you. "Wind Me Up" makes me want to throw things at the wall, it's so bad. I'm galled that Rolling Stone says your use of "The Lonely Goatherd" actually works, because, really? IT DOESN'T.
You say The Sound of Music is your all-time favorite movie? Well, way to pay your respects, Mrs. Rossdale. Rodgers & Hammerstein are shaking their respective heads. I for one hope Julie Andrews, the goatherd, the girl and goat high on the hill, and the girl's mama with the gleaming gloat open a can of musical whoop-ass on you.
Don't think you've emerged unscathed. I've heard "Fergalicious," and DAMN do I regret it. That song is hot buttered ass from beginning to end.
I...I don't even know where to begin. "Fergalicious" is such a mess. I can't think of one good thing to say about it at ALL. First, you ruin - RUIN! - the classic song "Give It All You Got" with your...rapping? I think? Maybe?
And then there are the "lyrics." How long did it take you to come up with the line "I be up on the gym just working on my fitness," anyway? A few minutes? Did you need a dictionary? I hope your fitness regimen includes a series of Kegel exercises so that you won't pee yourself again.
Dear Toni Braxton,
I was so excited to buy the limited edition CD of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" issued by the U.S. Postal Service last week. It was such a surprise to see when I bought my holiday stamps, and I couldn't wait to hear it. The CD, you should know, is quite good.
Except for you.
Ms. Braxton, you tried to sexify "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." No, REALLY, you did.
You slowed it down and sang it very breathily and tried to make it all sultry.
Listen to me: it is NOT a sultry song. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" is fun and light and is meant to be played at ice-skating rinks or while one is decorating one's Christmas tree or wrapping presents. Or, if you're Staples, buying school supplies, but that's another story.
I hate - HATE - what you did to the song so much, and I hope Johnny Mathis smites you down from wherever he may be.