Next Stop: Rumination Station

I am what you would call a Thinker.  I'm constantly going over events and exchanges in my head, which is (perhaps too) easy to do considering I spend a great deal of time alone.

I've been thinking about my earlier post as well as Jessica's thoughts on said post, and I came to the same conclusion: while I am loved by my friends and family (and for whom I am so grateful), I do wish to have someone hold me and tell me that I am pretty, smart, loved, and that everything really will be all right. 

On that same note, I miss the sense of security I felt knowing that someone cared for and was thinking of me, and the sense of joy knowing that I felt the same way for them. 

I miss the little things: the silly e-mails full of newly developed inside jokes; the phone calls just to see how I was doing; the hand on the small of my back when we enter a room; the simple yet powerful gesture of someone taking my hand in theirs.

I miss the look that crosses a man's face when he first sees you after a period of time has passed.  It could be five minutes, five days, or five months, but when someone looks at you with that expression of relief, desire, and happiness, it makes you feel so special, as if there is no one else in the room but you.  I miss being seen in that way.

The problem is this: every relationship has a Gardener and a Flower.  I tend to be the Gardener - the one who wants the relationship more and is always working to make sure the Flower is okay and that everyone and everything is happy happy joy joy.  In turn, the Flower does little to nothing to help cultivate the relationship because they don't have to do anything.  The Gardener is doing enough work for both of them.  It's exhausting, unfulfilling, and unrewarding.

I'm tired of doing all the work.  I want someone who is willing to put in some effort - to be the Gardener - for ME.  We can be two Gardeners trying to make the best of it.  That would be nice, wouldn't it?

(Crap.  This post is making me sound desperate.  I don't like it.  I'm not desperate to hitch my wagon onto someone else's at this time.  In fact, I am feeling quite wary of dating and have my guard up.  Getting hurt will do that to you.  However, I know that my guard won't stay up forever, and that I will put myself out there again.  Just...not right now.)

Comments

[Erin G.]

Sass! I'm totally going to email you right now, separate from here. I am really glad you wrote on this subject. Good entry!

[Anna]

Yes, this is a great great post! S

But you know what they say..when you voice it and write it...it will come along...when you least expect it.

And, uh, you do NOT sound desperate!

Love this! thank you! thank you! I need to read this. xoxo

[ariel]

There's is nothing wrong with putting a fully detailed description of what you need out into the universe- in fact, that's the only way to see if it will come back to you.

Good luck with your garden.

[Lauren]

I realized I was doing this with not just boyfriends, but friends too, and when I sat back to see who stuck around if I didn't cultivate it, it was both sad and refreshing to see who wanted to be in my life as much as I wanted to be in theirs. But I don't think you sound desperate, I get it completely.

[DinerGirl]

I've always been the Gardener, too. I've decided that I want to be the Flower for once... or at least a healthy balance between the two.

[Jessica]

You don't sound desperate, just honest about what you want.